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"God does not burden a soul beyond capacity. Each will enjoy what (good) he earns, as indeed each will suffer from (the wrong) he does. Punish us not, O Lord, if we fail to remember or lapse into error." - Surah 1:286

The question at hand is "who do I want to be?"

I've been lost for a while now. I've been out of control, and fighting my demons. I've been letting my demons win, based on my own self-doubts. I've thought of a thousand excuses. All of them based on the taunts of my demons.

Who do I want to be?

Do I want to remain a scared child, unable to operate in the adult world? (I say this with tenderness towards him, not condemnation - a child shouldn't have to try to operate as an adult)

Do I want to let myself be overcome by my demons, and let them ruin me and destroy all that I hold dear?

Do I want to take responsibility, and start actively try to counterbalance the wrongs I have perpetrated?

Do I want to take my place in the adult world?

No. No. Yes. Yes. In that order.

This post is an affirmation. A reminder to myself that demons can be vanquished, and cast out. A reminder that I have immense power that can be channeled for good.

A reminder that things don't have to be as they are.

I have the capacity to bear the burdens placed on me, and to choose my destiny.

I will stumble, and I will fall. I will occasionally walk backwards.

But I will walk. And I will make the decisions. They will not be left up to those voices within me who are incapable or who do not have my best interests at heart.

The abyss has stared back into me for long enough.
Things have been rough lately.

enigmaticae and I have had a difficult time of late. I've been sorting through some intense personal issues, and slowly realizing just how utterly, completely, thoroughly they've invaded how I interact with other people, including, and especially her. I've been confronted with the ramifications of my actions and my inactions, and right now it's kind of hard to look in the mirror.

Ultimately, though, after much dialogue and conversation, we've decided to work on things. I love her very deeply. And somehow, through it all, she loves me.

Back in June, I'd asked her to marry me. After my former experience of this, I never thought I'd ever ask anyone this ever again.

She said "yes."

370 days ago (if I have my math correct), she and I froze our asses off on a park bench in Petaluma. I told her I loved her.

I still do.

We've got some stuff to sort through, but I believe there's hope. Things have been rocky. But I think we'll pull through this. I'll be slaying a few personal demons along the way.

I love her.

Despite doing things I shouldn't have done, and not doing things I should have done, I've never stopped loving her.

And I'm truly deeply sorry for the pain I've caused.


enigmaticae has been gone the last few days, and I miss her terribly. I've been neglectful about writing about it here, but I should state that she has been a major part of my life over the last year. Her patience with me has been that of a saint, and her love and support have been beyond incredible. Each day I can't believe how lucky I am to be in a relationship with her. I love her more than I know how to say. She is truly, truly amazing.

This past weekend, we went to her parents' house, where I got some male-bonding time in with her father and uncle. This was particularly nice, as I'm starting to realize that my relationship with my father (while I love him), has been problematic over my lifetime. We never really did much in the way of father/son projects.

Another thing I have to thank enigmaticae for is getting me hooked on Grey's Anatomy. I'm not usually one for medical shows (or soap operas - yes, I know...Lost...Battlestar Galactica...), but I've somehow managed to get sucked in. I'm about to start season 3, so I've still got some catching up to do. Alas, the curse/blessing of dvd box sets is that you can watch several episodes at once, thus losing entire days. Unfortunately, you eventually get to that point where you have to wait a week for new episodes like everyone else.

This is going to get interesting...

Freedom! Lakota Sioux Indians Declare Sovereign Nation Status

Threaten Land Liens, Contested Real Estate Over Five State Area in U.S.West Dakota Territory Reverts back to Lakota Control According to U.S., International Law

WASHINGTON, DC - December 20 - Lakota Sioux Indian representatives declared sovereign nation status today in Washington D.C. following Monday's withdrawal from all previously signed treaties with the United States Government. The withdrawal, hand delivered to Daniel Turner, Deputy Director of Public Liaison at the State Department, immediately and irrevocably ends all agreements between the Lakota Sioux Nation of Indians and the United States Government outlined in the 1851 and 1868 Treaties at Fort Laramie Wyoming.

"This is an historic day for our Lakota people," declared Russell Means, Itacan of Lakota. "United States colonial rule is at its end!"

"Today is a historic day and our forefathers speak through us. Our Forefathers made the treaties in good faith with the sacred Canupa and with the knowledge of the Great Spirit," shared Garry Rowland from Wounded Knee. "They never honored the treaties, that's the reason we are here today."

The four member Lakota delegation traveled to Washington D.C. culminating years of internal discussion among treaty representatives of the various Lakota communities. Delegation members included well known activist and actor Russell Means, Women of All Red Nations (WARN) founder Phyllis Young, Oglala Lakota Strong Heart Society leader Duane Martin Sr., and Garry Rowland, Leader Chief Big Foot Riders. Means, Rowland, Martin Sr. were all members of the 1973 Wounded Knee takeover.

"In order to stop the continuous taking of our resources – people, land, water and children- we have no choice but to claim our own destiny," said Phyllis Young, a former Indigenous representative to the United Nations and representative from Standing Rock.

Property ownership in the five state area of Lakota now takes center stage. Parts of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Wyoming and Montana have been illegally homesteaded for years despite knowledge of Lakota as predecessor sovereign [historic owner]. Lakota representatives say if the United States does not enter into immediate diplomatic negotiations, liens will be filed on real estate transactions in the five state region, clouding title over literally thousands of square miles of land and property.

Young added, "The actions of Lakota are not intended to embarrass the United States but to simply save the lives of our people".

Following Monday's withdrawal at the State Department, the four Lakota Itacan representatives have been meeting with foreign embassy officials in order to hasten their official return to the Family of Nations.

Lakota's efforts are gaining traction as Bolivia, home to Indigenous President Evo Morales, shared they are "very, very interested in the Lakota case" while Venezuela received the Lakota delegation with "respect and solidarity."

"Our meetings have been fruitful and we hope to work with these countries for better relations," explained Garry Rowland. "As a nation, we have equal status within the national community."

Education, energy and justice now take top priority in emerging Lakota. "Cultural immersion education is crucial as a next step to protect our language, culture and sovereignty," said Means. "Energy independence using solar, wind, geothermal, and sugar beets enables Lakota to protect our freedom and provide electricity and heating to our people."

The Lakota reservations are among the most impoverished areas in North America, a shameful legacy of broken treaties and apartheid policies. Lakota has the highest death rate in the United States and Lakota men have the lowest life expectancy of any nation on earth, excluding AIDS, at approximately 44 years. Lakota infant mortality rate is five times the United States average and teen suicide rates 150% more than national average. 97% of Lakota people live below the poverty line and unemployment hovers near 85%.

"After 150 years of colonial enforcement, when you back people into a corner there is only one alternative," emphasized Duane Martin Sr. "The only alternative is to bring freedom into its existence by taking it back to the love of freedom, to our lifeway."

We are the freedom loving Lakota from the Sioux Indian reservations of Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota and Montana who have traveled to Washington DC to withdraw from the constitutionally mandated treaties to become a free and independent country. We are alerting the Family of Nations we have now reassumed our freedom and independence with the backing of Natural, International, and United States law. For more information, please visit our new website at www.lakotafreedom.com.





My B.A. is in theatre. I have a good working knowledge of theatre, though I admit to being mostly out of the loop in terms of what's going on these days.


One thing has not changed, and that is my aversion to musicals.

I don't know that we need musicals based on the songs of ABBA, Billy Joel, or Morrissey (look it up, there are rumors afoot).

I don't know that we need to turn every freakin' movie into a stage musical, either.

I mean the infinite recursions going on with The Producers and Hairspray are making me not give a shit.

Do we need Lord of the Rings: The Musical? Probably not.

But...this. Star Wars: The Musical...*sigh*

Downloadable mp3's of each song.

The whole thing is just terrible. Or at least the first 5 songs that I've listened to so far. But the song "Do You Speak Bocce?" is causing uncontrolled fits of laughter.

Uncle Owen: "Droids, droids, droids -
everywhere I look there's droids.
Is there one, maybe
one or two, for me?
Only time will tell we'll have to wait and see.

Oh. Dear. God. This song is evil. It just keeps getting worse.

Uncle Owen: Do you speak Bocce?
Do you speak Bocce -
not Splocce, not Blocce,
not Crocce.
Do you speak Bocce?
Do you speak Bocce?

(download here)

I should note, however, that some musicals are genius.

Jerry Springer: The Opera, for instance.

decisions, decisions...

I can't figure out if this guy is insane, or violating the rules of "just because you can, doesn't mean you should", or maybe he's overcompensating for something?

I'd say he has a lot of free time, but he probably does. Hell, he'd need it to decide which of 145 different operating systems to boot into that he managed to install onto one machine. Yes. You read that right.

In case you're wondering:

DOS 6.22
DOS 7.1
Win 3.11
137 Linux Distros.

some things never change...

um, WHAT?!

Miss South Carolina puts it all into perspective in the Miss Teen USA pageant


So, yesterday, I was obsessed with the video of NMKY, by Gregorius, aka "The Finnish version of YMCA."

Today, I've managed to rediscover Armi ja Danny's I Wanna Love You Tender, which, rumour has it, was choreographed by Solobodan Milosevic.

some of the knockoffs are amusing, tooCollapse )

Of course, there's also Moskau, by Dschingis Khan...

This just goes to show that it's really not that far from Point A to Point B (aka Dulcissima by Corvus Corax):

Don't get me wrong. America definitely has its own version of weird.

But I swear to God, Europe has us beat, like the 230 year old little snotty brats we are.

We can't even approach this shit.


There are too many of you I want to e-mail this to, so I'm just going to post it here.

I think this, more than anything, explains the Scandinavian Metal scene.

(if it isn't watchable here, watch it at YouTube - they're doing site maintenance as I post this)

Jul. 9th, 2007

(stuck in my head tonight)

Batwings (A Limnal Hymn)

(The key to joy is disobedience
There is no guilt and there is no shame)

A moon-piece to fetch up the golden cup
A snow-piece to avoid the great heat of the sun
Is kept in the night and by the light of the moon

An ice-piece so as they seem forever fallen
A night-piece of the dismal supper and strange entertainment
A rare chance-piece, a handsome piece of deformity
The skin of a snake bred out of the spinal marrow of a man

With stones and illegible inscriptions found about great ruins
Pictures of three remarkable steeples, or towers
Built purposely awry, so as they seem eternally tipping and falling

A transcendent perfume made of the richest odorates
Kept in a box of translucent scale

A glass of spirits made of ethereal salt, hermetically sealed up
Kept continually in quicksilver, of so volatile a nature
That it will scarcely endure the light
And therefore only shown in winter
Or by the light of a carbuncle, or a firefly

And batwings
And batwings
And batwings sing this limnal hymn
A wideness opening and closing to keep the darkness sealed within
To keep the darkness sealed within
To keep the darkness sealed within

To keep the darkness sealed within
A moon-piece to fetch up the golden cup


(see also)

best subject line. ever.

Just got this one in a spam...

Subject: "Aphasia Blasphemy Castle"

I think I know what I'm going to call my house now.

although it was quickly followed up by "Delia Crotch Archetype"

Jun. 13th, 2007

okay, I'm really not a big fan of the endless barrage of talent shows on television, but...

Paul Potts.... You go with your bad self!

Back in the 70s, Government Sponsored Propaganda was groovy (and probably caused epileptic seizures).

(might take a little bit to load, but it's totally worth it)

Memorial Day Musings

I really don't have much to say about Memorial Day. I find myself in a thick haze of numbness that we have been at war now for far longer than I want to think about.

I think my thoughts on the subject can best be summed up by this post from November 24, 2002.

Serious Geekiness

Since I know at least 45 people on my friends list are currently working on creating shows for the BBC, I thought I'd share the following link:

How To Properly Display The End Credits For Your Television Show.

Because I know you were wondering about these things.


the end bit is pointless, but the sketch itself, is pretty funny if you like music, or have ever worked in the music industry.

Goes well with The Field Guide to North American Hipsters Part I, The Field Guide to North American Hipsters: Reader Mail, and The Field Guide to North American Hipsters Part II

Mission Improbable

So this afternoon I opened my mailbox up to see what sort of things were waiting for me today.

There was the cable bill, but that's boring.

The only other thing was a rather intriguing envelope:

I flipped it over, and the back was even more interesting:

then I opened it up...Collapse )



Just had a nice big earthquake


tuna casserole

When I was younger (and she was still alive), my grandmother used to make the occasional tuna casserole.

This was one of my favorite things she used to make, and much better than her assorted "salads" involving green jello populated with any number of ungodly things, and topped with mayonnaise.

The recipe is ridiculously simple. Couple cans of tuna, can or two of cream of mushroom soup, some egg noodles, bread crumbs, bake, etc.

Total comfort food, and ridiculously cheap.

Last night I got to thinking about what that "ultimate" tuna casserole would be like.

As in, making homemade cream of mushroom soup, with fresh mushrooms and heavy cream, making my own pasta, baking my own bread to use for bread crumbs, and combining it all with sushi-grade tuna.

I'm a bastard, because now this ridiculous idea won't get out of my head. There's something inherently wrong about this idea, and that makes me love it even more.

If I ever get bored enough to try this, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Hell, I'll even document the whole process, and post photos.
It's Saturday night...

which means The Lawrence Welk Show is on!

And once more, I try to determine why I'm watching it, and when I started turning into my grandparents.
Every year, World AIDS Day is on my birthday.

So, rather than forward this to you via e-mail, please take a moment to do this, and pass it along to others.



As World AIDS Day approaches (Dec. 1), we are reminded that millions
of people need our help with the AIDS pandemic, but we often
think, "What can I do?"

Here is one simple way you can help, and it costs you nothing but a
moment and a mouse click.

Bristol Myers Squibb will donate $1 for every person who goes to their
web site and lights a candle to fight AIDS, up to a max of $100,000
(chump change for them, but we'll take it). At this point, the counter
is just over 51,000... so we need many more candles lit.

Please go to this link to light a candle... and help spread the light.



It's Thanksgiving!

Which, despite the political consequences of colonization, I tend to like the idea of a day of reflection upon what we are grateful for in our lives.

The usual holiday tradition of posting William S. Burroughs's Thanksgiving Prayer has been taken care of by a few of my friends, so I would like to contribute

some SFW Thanksgiving greetings, courtesy of Larry FlyntCollapse )